I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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