you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
