Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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