you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
