If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
