CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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