A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
