I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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