"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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