Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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