and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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