I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
