I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
