Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
