Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
There r osticjed everywhere
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
