this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize