the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's blow job season.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
