All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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