For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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