I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
