saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
