so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
