I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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