On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
