I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize