big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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