She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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