it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
