Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
