did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
