OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If I die, sorry about rent.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
