Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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