i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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