i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
