Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
