I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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