Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
