Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
