New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
