Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
