I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
