I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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