you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
