You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
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