I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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