Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
