So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
