just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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