i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
