im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
