So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
40s are totally the cure
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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