got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
