I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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