i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize