i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
