my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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